Breakups can feel disorienting in a way that is hard to explain. Even when you know the relationship wasn’t right for you, your mind may still replay memories, questions, and “what ifs.” You might find yourself wondering: How can I get over my ex when I still think about them all the time?
And if you weren’t thinking the relationship wasn’t right for you and were very emotionally invested in it, that’s even more disorienting! In both situations, the grief is very real, as is the loss of identity – you are no longer a girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband, but you’re also not the same person you were who entered the relationship. That’s a lot to process!
One of the most common questions people ask after a breakup is: how to get over an ex and actually move forward emotionally. Let’s talk about it.
Why it’s so hard to get over an ex
Getting over someone isn’t just about the relationship ending. It’s about your nervous system adjusting to the loss of attachment, routine, identity, and emotional safety.
This is why you might notice:
- Replaying conversations in your head
- Checking their social media
- Wondering how your ex can move on so fast
- Feeling stuck between letting go and holding on
- Struggling to stop thinking about your ex
None of this means you’re “not over it.” It means your brain is processing a meaningful emotional attachment. The reality is, this takes INTENTIONAL TIME. Not just time passing for the sake of time passing, you being intentional with the time as it passes and you gain distance from the situation. Finding yourself again, allowing space for healthy processing and grief, and reconnecting to your life and your desires are important during this time.
How can I get my ex out of my head?
You don’t force someone out of your mind, you make peace with the situation, and you redirect your your attention and begin creating emotional distance over time.
Here are a few grounding shifts that help:
1. Stop negotiating with the past
A big part of staying stuck after a breakup is mental negotiation:
- “Maybe we could have fixed it”
- “What if I did something differently?”
- “What if they come back?”
These thoughts are normal, but they keep you emotionally tied to something that is no longer active in your life. Healing begins when you gently stop reopening the door and accept the reality of the situation. You don’t have to love the reality right now, but accepting what is will prove to be a powerful aide to your wellbeing and forward progress.
2. Understand that missing them doesn’t mean they’re right for you
You can miss someone and still not be aligned with them. Missing someone is an emotional response not a compatibility indicator. This is one of the hardest truths in breakup recovery.
I’ve had a lot of clients try to stay in front of their ex hoping that it will make their ex remember the good times and come back to them. This begs the very blunt and difficult questions why would you want to be with someone who you have to make want to be with you? Why do you want to be with someone who isn’t choosing you? Sit with these questions and be honest about any painful answers that arise.
3. Reduce emotional triggers
If you’re constantly exposed to reminders of your ex, your healing will feel delayed and your nervous system will be in a tailspin.
Emotional triggers through exposure may include:
- Social media checking (just don’t, nothing good will come out of this)
- Going through old messages or photos (if you’re doing this to cry it out and let go that’s one thing, if you’re reliving the past that’s going to keep the pain going)
- Updates from mutual friends (boundaries are your friend here folks!)
Creating distance helps you to regulate your emotions and start moving forward.
4. Redirect your identity back to yourself
After a breakup, it’s common to lose touch with your own identity.
Start asking:
- What do I enjoy when I’m not in a relationship?
- What do I want my life to look like now?
- Who am I becoming through this?
This is where emotional recovery starts to shift.
5. Accept that healing and grief are not linear
Some days you’ll feel okay. Other days you’ll feel pulled back into grief or longing. This doesn’t mean you’re going backwards, it means you’re healing in layers.
How can I move on from my ex?
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting the person.
It means:
- You stop emotionally looping in the past
- You reconnect with your present life
- You start building a future that doesn’t revolve around what was lost
Over time, your nervous system learns that the relationship is no longer your current reality, and that your current reality and your future reality are actually quite positive.
Why do I feel like my ex is moving on so fast?
This is one of the most painful parts of a breakup.
But what you’re seeing is only the outside picture of someone else’s process. People often:
- Process emotions at different speeds
- Avoid their feelings entirely (this is VERY common in avoidant attachments and emotionally immature people)
- Cope by distracting themselves
Their timeline does not reflect your value or the depth of what you experienced. In fact, let’s get into where your value and worth do come from and it’s not your ex or anything outside of yourself. Your worth is inherent. You are valuable because you are. If you feel detached from this truth, this is a calling for deeper healing and growth work.
When to get support
If you feel like you’re stuck replaying the relationship, aren’t sure who you are anymore, and are asking yourself ‘what now?’ as you move forward, support could be really nice right about now!
Coaching with me helps you:
- Gain clarity on who you really are, what you really want and how to actually get
- Rebuild your emotional stability
- Understand your patterns in relationships
- Move forward without intention
If you’re in a transition and want support, I offer life coaching in Dallas and virtually, helping clients move through breakup recovery, identity shifts, and major life transitions with clarity and confidence.
Final thoughts
Getting over a breakup isn’t about forcing yourself to “move on faster.” It’s about honoring your pace, releasing emotional attachment, rebuilding your identity, and creating a life that feels like yours again.
For support as you start over post breakup or divorce, I invite you to click HERE to apply for a free consult.
